I can text with my tongue
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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