I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
