i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
