**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
