So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
