wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
