I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
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