Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
