I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
