Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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