By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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