Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
