you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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