why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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