Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
