Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
