dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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