got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
