You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm really busy with my period
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