I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
