I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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