My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
