There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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