So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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