rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
