girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
