nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
