my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
