He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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