Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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