You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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