I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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