when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
