Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
