can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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