Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
