They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
