Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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