Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
