I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
