Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
