Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
