I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
