So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
