I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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