Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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