i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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