We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
