Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
