i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
